Sex and Sexuality
Courtship versus dating
Dating is a custom of the world. It carries the same humanistic self-centred philosophy as “contract”. It is often associated with dark corners and is often linked isolation of couples and secretiveness. Dating requires one to put your best foot forward, to make an impression, because after all “first impressions count” especially in a “competitive market” it is a game of images. Dating is not based on honesty. It seeks to hide our insecurities and it seeks other flesh to meet our own needs instead of God. Dating is frivolous, self-indulgent and lacks commitment. Dating can lead to the formation of soul tie (sharing deep emotional treasures or sharing sexual intimacy). Once the relationship ends, the soul tie is broken. This is painful. The person then enters into another dating type relationship, forming soul ties and then breaking up again. The result is a scattering of the soul. This means that when one finally gets married, one’s soul is so scattered that the focus on one person (your husband or wife) is virtually impossible. This is complicated by a lifestyle breaking up and moving onto the next date. This break-up and getting together with the next person, which is so much a part of the dating game, lays the pattern for divorce. Instead of working through problems it is easier to move onto the next relationship, resulting in a serious inability to communicate or commit. Dating is not God’s pattern; it is not in his word. Covenant and courtship, however are.
Courtship implies transparency, accountability, maturity and sensibility. Courtship is relationship building with the intention of getting married. Courtship implies openness, before the court, allowing others to speak into your lives – it is therefore accountable. Due to courtship starting out with the intention of getting married, it implies commitment, maturity and seriousness. Marriage is for life. It is therefore not recommended that scholars or high school students partake in courtship, as they are not ready for the seriousness of the marriage covenant. We all bring two things into marriage – our internal and external us.
The internal you!
This includes our character and our education- things on the inside. Character, unlike personality, is who we really are. It includes our value system, integrity, and ability to serve, commit and see things through to the completion. It takes years to develop Christ like character. It is God’s wisdom to seek personal wholeness in Christ first (character) rather than seeking fulfilment in a date. By focusing on your internal you will be a greater blessing to your husband/wife. We can only do this if we resist the worldly pressure of the dating game.
The external you!
This includes our assets, finances and career/job. It’s more of the financial and material securities. This takes time to develop both the internal and external you.
Dating and contract are “me” centred; courtship and covenant are “other” centred.
Can dating be Biblical?
Suppose a boy dates a girl who he has no intention of marrying, nor will he ever marry. She goes on to marry another man. Are this man’s action honouring before the eyes of the Lord? Are this man’s actions honouring to his brother (her future husband) in Christ, or defrauding?
1Thessallonians 4:4-6 “that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honourable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you”
How far can I go before I say I do?
At the heart of dating is, “What can I get out of this?” At the heart of courtship (covenant) is, “How can I honour my future husband or wife?” The question should therefore be, “How can I honour my future wife or husband before I say “I DO” and not, “How far can I go before I sin?” This then becomes an issue of boundaries. Christianity is not legalistic; keeping the law does not save us. There are, however, Biblical principles that must be considered. If you want to build a great building that will last for lifetime, you need deep foundations. The greater the building, the greater the need for deeper foundations. The same is true in marriage. Many people want a good marriage, but few are prepared to build great foundations. Biblical courtship is about deep foundations. By delaying the sexual act, people are forced to find alternative ways to express their love for each other. Courtship is a time for ironing out any potential communication problems and establishing positive communication and conflict resolution patterns without the added complexity of sex.
By delaying the sexual act it tests, particularly the man’s commitment to the relationship. Is he prepared to commit to this relationship without having his sexual urges satisfied? This forces the man to develop further self-control that will help him to resist sexual temptation in a marriage. It also deepens his ability to love as Christ selflessly.
Luke 6:31 “Do to others as you would have them do to you”
From the woman’s side, by postponing sex until marriage, she is saving the best for last. What she has communicated to her future husband is that all the excitement and discovery of sex is found inside the commitment of marriage. If however she has given in to her partner before marriage, she has communicated that all the sexual excitement and discovery was outside of marriage, when he was “still single and free”. He is therefore more likely to cheat on his wife, chasing excitement as it is to be found within his level of experience, i.e. outside of marriage.
The devil’s counterfeit
The devil has a counterfeit. Promiscuity destroys souls. Romans chapter one is perhaps one of the finest expositions on the nature of man and society anywhere to be found.
Through sexual sin each time we have sex with a person transference of spirits takes place- the two become one “Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one in flesh,”1Corinthians 6:16. Furthermore a soul tie is created, because sex has a spiritual dimension. As the relationship is broken the person you have fornicated with takes a piece of your soul: the end result of a promiscuous lifestyle is a person with a scattered soul. A scattered soul is an idolatrous soul; it struggles to worship one God. This then causes a person to become desperate – they crave life.
Romans 1:24 “Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another”. At this stage of idolatry, people chase their desires, their desires lead or lord it over them. This stage is characterised by co-dependent relationships with need meeting need. This is typical of shack-up couples or serial monogamous relationship.
Romans 1:26 “Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones”. At this stage man is more desperate. Lust, unlike desires, is even more selfish, it is not interested in 50/50 type relationships, with need meeting need, but rather preying on others (especially weaker and more vulnerable persons) to meet their own deep-seated needs/lust. Under this the Apostle Paul includes homosexuality
Romans 1:28-29 “Furthermore, since they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, he gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice”. At this stage the depravity has gone so far that person is willing to prey on innocent flesh, taking that which does not belong to him (sex crimes, rape).
Is it wrong to have friends of the opposite sex?
1 Timothy 5:1-2 “Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers,, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity” it is ridiculous to date your sister or brother? It is and abomination to have sex with a sibling or parent. But in the light of this scripture isn’t that what dating becomes.
However, by having brothers and sisters in Christ and treating them as such, we can develop friendships with both sexes within clear boundaries. It is advised that if you find yourself struggling with being a couple alone rather go out in groups which then increases accountability, rather than alone where there is greater temptation to fall into sin. The question that should be asked is how deep should a friendship with the opposite sex go? A good principle to judge by is – as far as a future husband or wife would be comfortable with. Would your future husband or wife be uncomfortable with the level of intensity of your relationship with this person of the opposite sex? If yes, then the chances are your friendship is too close. An emotional soul tie can develop.
Proverbs 27:6 “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful”. It is a blessing having friends of the same sex, especially ones that keep you accountable, who are enough about you to tell you not only what you want to hear, but also what you need to hear.
